What I Learned Dating Someone 10,000 Miles Away
As previously published on The Everygirl in 2019.
Of all relationship types, I’d have to assume “long distance” is the least intentionally sought out. Like most people, I imagined my perfect dynamic involving easy time together, joint friend groups, and sharing all of life’s small moments. Yet these simple desires quickly seemed surreal when I found myself dating someone 10,000 miles away.
Winding up in a long distance relationship made most of my former dating challenges pale in comparison, particularly with that overseas relationship involving a 15-hour time difference. Dating oceans away constantly felt like a bizarre cross between a fairy-tale and complete and utter delusion.
It began by chance. We met one cloudy October as we were each traveling through Ireland. We proceeded to have a fun, flirty three days exploring Galway, and my insatiable curiosity was happily filled by the stories shared by this charming Aussie.
We walked the Cliffs of Moher, got drunk in tiny, dimly lit pubs, and held hands while weaving through misty boat docks. It was incredibly dreamy, and somehow felt more intimate than an ordinary “fling,” which the rational side of my brain told me this surely was. When I boarded the bus on my last day I was surprisingly saddened; and though I knew I should appreciate this connection for being the lovely chance encounter it was, it stuck with me.
Fast forward half a year, and my travel plans led to a visit to Australia, including his home base of Sydney. We hadn’t regularly communicated since our Irish adventure, so when I reached out via Instagram to let him know of my upcoming trip, I had zero expectations. Yet I was happily surprised to receive an enthusiastic reply.
It turned out my instincts had been correct all along, and there was more to be explored from this connection. And while falling for someone over the course of seven days might sound impossible, this is exactly what happened during my time in Aus.
Let me add a disclaimer: travel time really is unlike real time. Any protective barriers you’d normally maintain are quickly abandoned with the knowledge that your time together is limited. After all, you’ve already forgone the usual formalities by spending 24 hours a day with this person. We found ourselves continuing to open up to one another faster than we ever had before, showing our emotions honestly, and easily covering weeks-worth of getting to know one another in mere days.
When I left Sydney, long-distance wasn’t in the game plan. However, after a misty-eyed goodbye at the airport, and the repeated war with the rational side of my brain, it seems our emotions finally won. And less than 24 hours after my departure, I received a simple message that read, “I miss you more than I knew I would.”
So cue my year’s journey into long, long distance, which taught me so much more than I’d ever exepcted to learn about relationships, near and (mostly) far.
1. You have to make time for one another
This is true of any relationship, but particularly during long distance, you need to be intentional. As soon as I returned back home, we spent hours every day talking. I probably extended my jet lag by several weeks simply from staying up to chat at 3am. (My return to work was unpleasant, to say the least). But finally, we fell into a routine, and quality time came in the form of FaceTime calls. With the time difference, we’d talk when he was waking up for work and I was heading to bed in the evening, and vice versa. Missing these windows meant we’d likely have to wait 10+ hours before coordinating a call again. Given this obstacle, I came to value our time together more than I had in previous relationships, and it taught me to be incredibly present.
2. There MAY be some MISCOMMUNICATION
It turns out there are a lot of differences between even English-speaking cultures, so it was necessary (and fun) to educate one another. Aside from my tragic mispronunciation of ‘Vegemite’ and some classic lost-in-translation moments, we needed to be thoughtful about our word choice when so much of our conversation was held via text. Rather than allude to how I was feeling, I learned to be as clear and straight-forward as possible. It’s important neither you nor your partner is left feeling anxious until the next time you can speak over the phone.
3. find creative ways to connect
When talking online is your absolute only means of connection, you learn to get creative. We would often share pictures in order to feel included in one another’s daily lives, and hold our FaceTime calls in different locations to feel like we were seeing a bit of one another’s world. We even shared a Spotify account, and at random moments would start “DJ-ing” music to surprise one another. In some ways, this demand for creativity pushed me to connect with a romantic side of myself that I hadn’t previously known existed. I loved becoming more expressive with how I showed affection.
4. Be prepared for jealousy and outside judgment
Saying “I miss you” and “I wish you were here” can only go so far. With months between visits and a total lack of a physical contact in the meantime, there is likely to be inevitable jealousy on both parts. It’s so important to familiarize each other with your social circles and daily lives, since you can’t actually experience those people and places in person. Plus, it helps alleviate any jealousy when you hear stories about a night out or see tagged photos, to feel like you actually know the people involved.
On the flip side, it can be exhausting trying to explain your situation to your own friends or coworkers while constantly receiving responses like, “Long distance never works!” and fielding loads of questions about your unique relationship. Be intentional with who you choose to discuss your relationship with.
5. You need to have A Plan
Honest communication with your partner is an absolute must, and it’s important to regularly check in with one other in regards to relationship status, boundaries, and your outlook on the future.
The most important lesson I learned about communication is not to wait. There’s never going to be a perfect time to discuss a topic, and this is where we made our mistakes. While we often spoke of “us,” we kept it vague. We’d set boundaries on interactions with other people and hint at expecting exclusivity from one other, but never clearly defined our relationship “titles” as boyfriend/girlfriend. We thought this conversation should be saved for our next in person visit, which was ultimately the wrong move.
Plans for the future were kept equally as vague. He’d mention interest in graduate programs near me in the U.S., and I’d mention wanting to work abroad in Australia, but we never made a clear decision one way or another. This made for imagining our future together all the more challenging.
6. Always trust your instincts
Most of the time, you’ll know when something doesn’t feel right, yet we often choose to hide from our intuition. Long distance can be confusing, difficult, and demands a tremendous amount of trust. So make sure you insist on full transparency from the beginning, and don’t convince yourself you’re merely overthinking if something doesn’t feel right. Unfortunately, I failed to demand some information that he was keeping hidden, and this would’ve saved me a lot of anxiety and hurt in the long run. I learned the hard way that avoiding painful conversations won’t make them hurt any less.
7. Goodbyes are Never Easy
Our in-person visit finally came after Christmas, and I’ll never forget how hard my heart was pounding as I leapt out of the cab at O’Hare’s international terminal. He’s on the other side of those doors, I reminded myself as I made my way into the corridor. It felt too surreal to be true. After months of this person existing only within the confines of my phone screen, I couldn’t believe he was actually standing here, dressed in a hilariously inadequate winter jacket and looking at me with the same familiar gaze that had greeted me on every phone call.
I was surprised that seeing someone after so much time apart didn’t immediately result in a rom-com, run-and-jump-into their arms reunion. Instead, I found myself in such a state of shock, I could barely speak!
Over the next few months of living together, we were able to explore so many of the life experiences that we’d dreamed of sharing. This stretch of time proved to be a tremendous roller coaster of emotions, and we found ourselves falling even deeper than before, although the lack of a clear future continued to make this feel more vulnerable than enjoyable.
As the weeks passed, I was devastated to discover there had been dishonesty on his end, which also proved some of my long-held suspicions to be true. My bubble had been burst, and suddenly I was filled with confusion, anger, and hurt, all while at the height of falling in love. And though our feelings were still strong, this lack of communication and transparency had ultimately caused too much irreparable damage to forgive.
Once again, distance presented a challenge to the situation. With his visit closing in on its final days, there was little time to process all that had happened before he left for home, let alone gain any closure. My heart struggled to catch up with reality, still living in the daydream of this man from the other side of the world finally here with me, enjoying life together like a “normal couple.” And suddenly I needed to accept that this wouldn’t continue. That unlike our previous tearful goodbyes, this may actually be the last time we ever saw one another.
Saying goodbye to someone you’re still in love with is confusing — almost as confusing as building a deep friendship and romantic relationship with someone who lives on a separate continent. And while it would be easy to reflect back and think, “I guess long-distance really doesn’t work,” I still maintain the opposite. In fact, it showed me you can connect to someone, even fall in love with them, no matter how many miles separate you. With the right partner, and equal effort and honesty, a relationship could flourish.
Without experiencing this unique long-distance situation, I’m not sure I would’ve ever had a chance to learn so much about myself, or discover so many new facets of love and relationships. While I regret the hurt and pain I went through, I still believe that because I was brave enough to explore a relationship so many people deemed impossible, I came away with a more incredible story than I could’ve ever imagined on that gloomy bus ride leaving the Irish countryside.